gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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