Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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