just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
