I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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