Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
