Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
