paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you will always have a special place in my vag
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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