Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
