I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
