i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
