Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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