Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
