I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
