that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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