I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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