Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
