Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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