My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
