Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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