So drunk its hurt
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
