Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
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