I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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