Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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