Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
