My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
