I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
