Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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