So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
