sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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