i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
