I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
