i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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