the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
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