Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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