I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
