the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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