so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
A bitchslap is in order.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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