Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
