I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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