I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
