I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
