I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
