I'm eating all of the evidence.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
