alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
