I haven't been this sober since birth.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
