dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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