I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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