you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
