Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
