I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
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