Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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